If your friend fails the pencil test, it’s definitely a moob

Did they let you in without the thumb print or were you left out then?

I never saw my parents together so for embarrassingly long I believed they didn’t know each other at all.

I was a flower girl in my father’s wedding at the age of 7. Bet his missis wasn’t delighted but her crotch goblins were not out of the nappies yet. The party was fab tho, proper village long table with prolly about hundred people in the middle of nowhere with a lot of live music, food and vodka.

I was in my teens (living with my grandma the whole life) when my mother asked if I want to come to the nearest town for family photos on Saturday and I said yeah no, it’s sauna day you know. Turned out I missed my mother’s wedding because I had to wash my hair. Still joined them in the afternoon for my mom’s birthday and as it turned out the afterparty. So yeah, technically I have attended both my parents’ weddings.

Had one of those electric bug zappers on the wall at work what was hooked to a wall switch. I taped it in ON position with a note ‘keep on’ and every once in a while some eager closer picked off the tape to switch it off along with the other ones in the row.

My alarm cannot be anything with a real melody or I will hum it for hours on. I use some default tune what’s more of a trill, does the job. My text/email alert used to be popping the bottle cap sound, my current phone has some brrp noise close enough to a fart to make me giggle - I’m old but not mature.

As for ring tones, I used to purchase some for pocket change from the last page of the tv guide. All fun and games until all the old relatives started dropping like flies. It just doesn’t feel right to get an invitation to another funeral preceded by the Scissors Sisters ‘I don’t feel like dancing’ or Eamon’s ‘fuck you’. For a long time my ring tone was the old school land line ringing. From the moment I was able to choose the ring tone from my playlist it has been ‘Heavy Cross’ by Gossip. I feel it’s suitable for all occurrences while being only mine.

Osakmakwabane, he went by Osas

From the tip of your right thumb to your left nipple. Too sensible?

Can you microwave a small amount or maybe heat on the stove in a sauce pot? Sour milk will curdle. Then just use it for pancakes instead of buttermilk

Decades ago, my mother worked with a small group of women. Every day they spent a few hours together in the office before going out. There was one lady with lacking personal hygiene, quite whiffy and rather oblivious about that. It was about that time the stick deodorants became available in our post soviet country, I believe the Speedstick was the first brand to take the market. So for Christmas for secret santa they got her the deodorant. It was a passive aggressive move, the things could have gone really wrong. She was happy with the gift but the things didn’t improve much. The following year they got her another stick deodorant, hoping to get the message through. She unwrapped the gift and excitedly thanked them, saying that the previous one was almost finished. Bless her, she only used it as a perfume on special occasions…

There is the original photo

https://tenor.com/nnTfwLyFDpu.gif

The temperatures are intuitive for me because Celsius is all I’ve known. The car going 60km/h or 100km/ h I know the difference and how it feels sitting in the car. The speed of wind in the forecast needs to be m/s to make any sense. Over 20 m/s I better tape the windows so that the storm won’t break them

14 years ago when I was still relatively young and liked clubbing, a song popped up and swept all the playlists in my country. Clubs, radio stations, you name it. Catchy French song. It came and went so fast that I didn’t manage to memorise it. That was long before I even dreamed of having a smartphone. When I moved to UK a year later, nobody had any idea what song I’m trying to describe, like they never heard it.

Probably around 8 years ago I was roaming the streets of Porto with my ex, and a shop we passed had the song blasting from the speakers. Praise the smartphones, I used ‘what’s the song’ app and et voila: Stromae - alors on danse

I googled Yanni and that’s what I got

Just the good news please!

I have nights where I sleep like a shish kebab

It was the soundtrack of my divorce almost 20 years ago so yeah

Pain causes pupils to dilate, so slip a thumb tack in your shoe, establish eye contact and lean on it. Boom, heightened pulse, dilated pupils. Also works to cheat the lie detector.

Doc Martens got sold and moved the production to Asia. The dip in quality is very noticeable.

The people who used to produce Doc Martens now work for the company called Solovair. I haven’t tried their stuff butt apparently they’re as good as Doc Martens used to be.

UK, London